I haven’t written a blog about myself or how I’m doing for a while now so I thought I’d use my spare time to start writing again. I’m also seeing that a lot of people are losing loved ones recently so I thought it would be a good time to make a blog as it could be useful to new grievers.

 

So a lot has happened in the past couple of months, outside of the pandemic, and it’s safe to say it has been quite a difficult time for me mentally. I have had to move house for the fifth time since 2018, I have had people confidently disrespect me and my deceased mum, and have lost more friends along the way. I’ve had to focus a lot on my mental well being recently due to all of this. It’s so easy to get caught up in life and not realise there are things you are doing that are actually harmful and not helping you progress. I have never turned to alcohol for help, but for me it’s the aftermath of drinking with my friends that started to affect me and I knew something had to change. Alcohol is a depressant, and for someone who struggles mentally already, it was just making me feel worse. So I decided to have a break of going into town with the girls where alcohol was involved so that I could ‘reboot’ and sort myself out basically. I’ve now finished my little experiment after a month of self care. To be fair it has helped me, I don’t really know how but it really has changed my outlook on a few things and I think I’m more at peace with myself. I have gotten rid of toxic friends and I only interact with others via social media when it suits me. 

 

I do think I let the death of my mum hold me back from being happier, it’s so heartbreaking that she isn’t here to enjoy things with me anymore but this is something I now know that I need to work on being okay with. I’m ready to make my life exciting again and do things maybe out of the ordinary to spice my life up a bit, (when corona will let me that is). I know mum will always be by my side in spirit, no it really isn’t enough for me to be content with her actually not being here, but I have no choice but to carry on and give myself a better life. A life I deserve. I still have plans of travelling and seeing the world, but there's a lot more important stuff in the present that I need to tweak on and better my day to day routine. 

 

I’ve realised if I speak about mum I suddenly get this overwhelming feeling that I need to be sad and cry for her, but this is something that I also need to fix, because no I don’t always NEED to cry. Being a Pisces, however, doesn’t entirely help. Us pisces are sensitive enough as it is, but to have one lose their mum and then grieve? Yikes. I feel like she’ll think I’ve moved on from her and that I don’t miss her if I don’t get upset? But that’s a ME problem. She and I and everyone else knows that I’ll never not love her or ever forget her. It’s just hard because I can’t tell her face to face how much I still love her. I can talk about her and not get sad, I just feel like I’m meant to.

 

Did you find anything specific that helped you with grieving? - I think honouring mum on special occasions helped me. Instead of ignoring a day which would have usually involved her, my sister and I would spend the day looking at old photos or speak about our favourite memories that we have with her, so that she’d still be involved in our day in some way. For days that aren’t an occasion, literally just having my sister and friends there to talk to really helped. Writing these blogs as well have helped path my grieving experience, as in the route I went down, in a better way. I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol, and I haven’t turned into a very bitter nasty person which happens to some people that grieve. And I believe it’s because I had something positive to focus on. Knowing that I have helped others has helped me in ways I never thought could. So I really would recommend finding some sort of hobby that stems from your grief and life experience.

 

What exercises help you to retain such a strong mental state? - Literally exercise. Going to the gym truly does help me, releasing all of the endorphins keeps me healthy physically but more importantly mentally. So I try to go to the gym as much as possible, after work and on the weekends. I have made me such a major priority. But also this needs to be said, it’s important for everyone to remember that I have lived alongside mum with her having cancer for 15 years, and so growing up the way I did made me how and who I am today. I was born to adapt to it, and make the most of what we had as a family. We all react differently, and we all have different experiences. If her death was unexpected and I hadn’t dealt with everything that I have I can’t say that I would be as capable. I’m not indestructible though, no one is, I have my limits for sure. So I wouldn’t say I have that much of a strong mental state as my mental health is something I’m always battling with on a weekly basis, but my mind has grown clever and strong enough to repair itself each time. Manifestation also keeps me going, I’ve started to believe in myself and focus on achieving my goals. I have short term goals and long term goals, and with this new mindset I’ve got I will get it all. The law of attraction is real people! There've been things I have manifested hard on and it came to life, and there's some other things that's a work in progress but already I can see the magic happening. It’s so encouraging, so I stay manifesting it all and will continue to until I’ve gotten everything that I want and deserve.

 

How do you lift yourself when you’re having a bad day? - I wouldn’t necessarily say I have things I do to help lift me, but there are definitely some things I don’t do if I know I’m having a bad day. I avoid social media at all costs, it’s such a trigger for my insecurity. I also try to avoid fat foods but I’m only human, comfort eating just happens sometimes and so I deal with the consequences after by going to the gym when I next can. I just listen to whatever my body is telling me really. If I need to stay in bed then I stay in bed, if I need to go home after being at the gym for 7 minutes then I go home. It’s important to push ourselves, but not push ourselves too much that it results in making us feel worse. I really can’t say anything in particular lifts me unfortunately but maybe one day there will be.

 

A few tips for people who are trying to help those who are grieving - Let me just quickly say this because it triggers me a lot. Please do not say ‘I can’t imagine ever losing my mum’. I can understand that you’re coming from a good place when you say this and that you really don’t mean harm, but if you think about it it’s actually an incredibly insensitive thing to say. It's hard for me to respond to, and it just reminds me that my mum is really gone. I can't quite figure out the right way to explain it, but I know that I just don’t like it. It’s a bittersweet situation for real. Some people might not understand what I'm trying to say but I can guarantee a few of my grieving readers will be able to relate. I respect that sometimes it's hard to know what to say, but maybe consider ‘less is more’ for the more sensitive grievers. Be a good listener for when we need to speak, be a shoulder when we need to cry, be someone who sends us funny memes on grey days. 

 

I recently came across a quote that made me think a little deeper into why I was put here on earth. The quote was ‘the two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why’. The more I thought about this the more I truly believe I was born to take care of my mum. But why did I only get twenty years with her? What happens now? This led me into thinking a little more. I know I have the ability to make a change, with not only one life but many. I feel like there is more to life than me just being here for the fun and games, I really do want to help those in need. I don’t know particularly what route I will go down, but the world is my oyster. I want mum to be proud of me, she knew I was special and I want to prove it to her.

 

So, a lot of people have been waiting for me to say this and I know it’ll give others hope too when they read this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I could cry even just writing this, (here I go again), but happy tears. Two years and three months later I can see hope of a better future. I wish so deeply that this wasn’t the life my family was given, my mum especially is an incredible person and she for one did not deserve to die so soon. I’m sure I’ll still have my down days, how can I not as a young girl without her mum. But overall, I know that I have to keep going not only for my gorgeous sister or my beautiful friends, but most importantly for myself. Not only do I know I have to, I finally want to. I love who I have become, and my spirit is lifting more each day.

 

Thank you to all of you. Life is on a rise, and I couldn't have done it without you all.

 

I love you Mum, my angel in the sky. This is for you.