It’s been 9 months and 23 days. That’s 296 days altogether, so far. Soon it’ll be a year, making that 365 days I would have been on this earth without my mum. I used to cry whenever I was about to go on holiday or if I went away for a few nights and I had to leave her at home. That was nothing compared to having to leave her on that hospital bed. Whenever mum stayed in hospital overnight I found it hard but I knew I was still going to see her the next day. Leaving her the day she died, knowing I’ll never get to see her again completely broke my heart. Me and Danielle stayed holding her hand for about an hour or two, we didn’t know how long we needed to stay there or how long we wanted to see her like that. She left this world so peacefully, she looked comfy and I am so grateful for that. We had seen mum go through so much pain in life, so to watch her life end simple and painless (in that moment) was all we could have ever wanted. I’m thankful she was able to wait long enough for us to be there by her side instead of having to pass to the other world alone.

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The day she died was very confusing for me. My granddad passed away when I was younger and I seemed to have understood what that meant, but watching mum die in front of me was the worst and weirdest experience ever. Still to this day none of it makes sense. I couldn’t understand how she was with us one moment and gone the next, and all that was left of her was her body. Death is inevitable and no one can escape it, but it really is such a crazy concept. I somehow thought I would be ready for the day that my beautiful mum leaves my world, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s something you can never prepare for. None of us were prepared for this to be so soon. I knew that Mum was scared, she was scared that this might actually be it for her. I think we had to allow death being an option because things weren’t looking too great, we still had hope but it was time to be realistic. I just wanted to wrap her up in bubble wrap and keep her safe forever, but I soon had to come to terms with that unfortunately being impossible. Even though we were so happy to see her finish radiotherapy, we were still worried because mum still seemed really ill. Her cough got worse, to the point she had to stop talking in most conversations just to maintain her breath.

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We spoke a lot about what would happen if she was going to die, it was so important for us to be open with one another and say everything we needed to say. Mums cancer wasn’t terminal but it was heavy on her health so we had to talk about it and as hard as it was, I’m now glad that we did. Since we didn’t know she would die so soon we never spoke too deeply about things, we would always be able to smile during any conversations and have the ability to make some kind of joke at the end. We called ourselves the three musketeers, what anything one of us would go through we went through it together and we would do anything it took to keep each other as happy as can be.

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After walking away from the ward she was on the day she died, I just stood by the window looking out. I didn’t know how to feel or what to do, I had lost the biggest part of me and I already felt so lost without her. It’s been so long now since I have seen her that I feel sick to admit I’m starting to forget some parts about her. Unless I watch videos of her I can’t remember her voice, unless I look at pictures I forget where the moles are placed on her face. I no longer know her scent or her laugh. There was just so many little things about her that made her so incredibly special, but her presence is what I miss the most. I will NEVER forget her beautiful soul and her ability to lift the weight of the world off of my shoulders, when the weight was also on hers.

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The past 9 months have been a complete blur, looking back on it now I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. This is really hard for me to publicize but if I hide this major part of my grieving journey it will not help myself nor anyone else going through what I am. Suicide was almost an option. This has impacted on my mental health incredible amounts. Suicidal thoughts is what’s stopping me to flourish from this horrendous life experience. I no longer know the amount of times I have wanted to end my own life because of mum’s life being taken from her. This woman was my absolute everything and all I could think about was that I wanted to join her. I think maybe I have never gone through with it because what if I take the pain with me? I know I would be back in my mum’s arms and I couldn’t want anything more, but I still lived the process of losing her. Would I still have all of those memories and bad experiences running through my mind or would it all be forgiven? That’s a gamble I decided I didn’t want to take. You can’t promise someone your life will still be here in the morning, you have to promise yourself. And I promise myself every night. The more I believe I’ll pull through this, the better my life will become. If I end my life now, I can’t give myself the life I actually want to live. I also can’t forget the fact Danielle would then be left without her little sister, as well as her mum. You have to be selfish as you are all that’s important to you, and you need to do what’s right for yourself at the end of the day but right now I can’t be selfish. It’s important for me to remember I still have my life with my sister, there’s still so much I can give in this world.

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People tell me how strong I have been through all of this but that’s probably because I still post on social media. Social media isn’t somewhere people post their failures, their depression, and this is what I’ve grown to understand and I want people to understand this too. I can post a selfie one minute, and then feel like I want to delete every app and hide a few minutes later. People don’t see what goes on behind that Facebook status, that snapchat, that tweet. It really is a facade. The people closer to me know what I’m really going through, but I don’t see my strength because I’m the one who goes to bed with me every night, I’m the one who knows what goes on inside my head. ‘Your mind is your worst enemy’ is the truest thing, and although it feels like I will never stop thinking about the bad memories I have, I need to realize it is me who is deciding to think about them. I do have a choice with what I let myself think about. But my biggest obstacle right now is to lower the pain on how traumatizing it all was. Once I’ve managed to calm down those memories then I will be able to bring forward the better ones, and start living again. I’m alive but I’m not living, and this where I feel stuck at right now. I can’t pinpoint why I’m not and why I have to leave an event so early, but I am finding it difficult to enjoy what life could be like. I need to listen to my body and my mind, and when I want to be sad I need to let myself be sad. However, I also need to give myself a chance.

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About two months ago I started counselling, this was where I felt like I really needed some professional help. It was good for me to get things off of my chest to a complete stranger. But now I can open up to my sister properly, counselling is no longer helping. I am at a point now where I can say everything I need to, to Danielle, and for that I am grateful. Counselling isn’t for everyone and I now know that it isn’t for me, but I am glad I gave it a go. Instead of having someone to talk to, I need someone who can give me coping mechanisms and advice. I wouldn’t even know where to look for someone that does that, so this is why I am trying a different approach and trying to help myself.

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I was doing everything I loved when mum was here, and now that she’s gone this is more of a reason to live it bigger and better not only for myself but for her too. My sister made it very clear to me that I should be doing so much now. That was the push I needed. And I know I’ll be taking her places with me. She died in the summer, it will be her year anniversary in June. It’s approaching so fast and this will be so hard for me but I have to promise myself I will still enjoy everything and every event I go to. I currently leave nights out around 1am because I get so overwhelmed with emotions. I end up running away instead of facing it, but I know I won’t go far if I don’t start pushing myself. This is my next promise, to start enjoying this life. I still wake up in the mornings, and I need to appreciate that because not everyone does.

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The three musketeers is now down to two physically, but we will always live our lives with mum in our hearts. We will always be three.

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The reason for this post especially is because I know there will be so many people suffering from depression and feeling like they can’t go on. We are all in this together. I hope people reach out to me if they need to, this blog isn’t a selfish act. It’s not only here to help myself. I haven't gone into full detail about my mental state because this is so hard for me to share, and I am still currently going through it, but knowing what I have said so far may help someone open up and seek help makes me feel content.