23rd of October 2017, 04:26am my Mum sent me a picture of the night sky with a quote written over the top. I know that seems incredibly early but the poor woman could never sleep. The quote said ‘You torment yourself wondering how they could not love your burning heart. And the answer darling, you are not the star you thought you were. You are the f****** universe and not everybody is an astronaut’. Her following message was ‘Saw this & thought of you! Love you’. Finding this on facebook messenger the other month really was what I needed. As well as grieving for the loss of her, I have dealt with a lot of other personal issues the past year and a half. To help others and to help myself I have to be truthful which everyone knows I have been since the start of my writing. From feedback I have gotten from my previous blogs people have told me how raw my writing is and how much they appreciate it. 

 

So, since losing Mum, I have lost my home, I had to give my dog away, but what people don’t know is that I was also cheated on. Dating has never been successful for me, it has always ended up being what we call a ‘situationship’. I think I follow in my Mums footsteps with males because unfortunately she was disrespected quite a lot also. I found comfort in someone who helped me differently to how my family or friends could, leading me to feeling comfortable enough to get into my first ever relationship. It was everything I needed as I was new to such a strong life experience, and needed some looking after. Long story short, my love was taken for granted. I know deep down this had nothing to do with how I was in the relationship, because I gave all the love I had in me and I didn’t let my grief affect it. Unfortunately sometimes people fall into the hands of someone who just isn’t right for them, it happens to the best of us, right? The reason I am saying this is because the quote I found from Mum helped me heal from that. It was a ‘pick me up’ kind of moment. I began to think about the love she had for me again, instead of thinking about the love I lost from someone else. She made me realise that not everyone you lose is a loss, but sometimes it also helps you. Maybe it was some kind of distraction from grieving for Mum, it helped cover the pain of that. However pain over pain I can personally tell you isn't healthy, I then experienced huge doubts in myself and it deepend my depression. But looking back at the quote, I shouldn't have doubted myself at all. Mum believed that the quote was for me, I was the universe in her eyes and that is all that ever matters to me now.

 

It’s easy for me to talk to guys and for them to talk to me, but there has only ever been two people I have opened myself up to. And it was just my luck that I was left disappointed both times. I think it’s hard to date whilst grieving in some aspects, because you already know what pain feels like and you know that you don’t want to feel any other type of pain on top. For me I know that I will never let my grief get in the way of any relationship, but it is however actually holding me back from even dating right now. It’s getting in the way of the life I should be living. I think I’m scared of the unknown, I often challenge myself but love is nothing to be played with. So maybe I am scared to date and lose love again. I want companionship and I think until I am somewhat more certain that I am able to get it from someone who is serious, then I will keep avoiding men like coronavirus… (sorry). But right now it’s mainly about loving myself first. This is what I’m focusing on more, loving myself more before loving someone else and letting them in.

 

There are two sides to me, both of who I only let my sister see. There’s the girl who posts pictures on instagram, pictures of herself in heels and nice slim fitted dresses. Instagram is a platform to show off your looks. I am happy to take full advantage of that when I am feeling my most confident, as a lot of people I know are too. But this is the problem. Men see the exterior of me, the shape of my body and the vibe I give off from my photos. So that's what attracts them to me, and every other girl who posts a good picture too. They don’t see the interior through the pictures, which is the other side of me. The vulnerable girl, who is just trying to find hope. The girl who lost her Mum and her life, who feels so much and only wants to be loved. I’m passionate, (I blame that a lot on being a pisces, and I’m sure my fellow pisces will know the struggle), but passion within me has grown over the years because I’ve been mirroring my Mum. Life can be cruel but passion and love for life will exceed if you push through, and my god did Mum have a lot of passion. I am someone who is also much more mature than a lot of girls my age. I have been through a lot in my little life and I think people don’t realise I really am trying to not waste my time anymore. All I want is someone who will cherish both sides of me. No one will see the interior of me until I let them. It’s a mixture of being ready myself, and finding someone who is able to match my maturity and passion. Mum passed away as a single lady, she didn’t pass alone as my sister and I were there, but I do wish for the kind of woman she was that she had love from a partner. I look back at it all now and she deserved so much, but in the bigger picture absolutely no one deserved her. Maybe I’m trying to be a reflection of her and be independent like she was, (for now). The problem with opening up to someone is you don’t ever think you’ll have to do it again with someone else. I could potentially still be stuck on the idea of that, but like I said it’s all about self love so the focus is on me now. It was so much easier back in the day when we were all in primary school, with girls and boys running away from each other calling one another gross. Not even thinking about the future and how you eventually have to mingle with each other. The confident girl in me will continue to feel sexy and post pictures and show off ‘for the gram’ every now and then, but I will also continue to be the girl who is vulnerable, because that’s what’s turning me into who I am today. 

 

My astronaut will come one day, Mum, when the time is right. 

 

Depression has such a hard impact on someone’s mind and body, energy and soul. I recently deleted my social media after major amounts of posts about a celebrity who had taken their life. Every time I see something like that, or watch a film including suicide I freak out a little bit. Death really doesn’t sit well with me, but suicide being the reason especially hurts. I don't want to die, I want the pain that is inside of me to end. Suicide often feels like the only option and it takes a lot of energy to fight through that idea. I found myself reaching out to people and telling them. Which can I say is the absolute hardest thing to do, and I know this is so hard for the majority of people who are struggling. I hated the day I told my sister, I have never felt so much pain in my heart opening up to her like that. I know she found it hard too, because as a big sister there is nothing worse than hearing your little sister say that she doesn't want to be here anymore. I think if it wasn’t for her then there is no doubt I wouldn't have survived. When it came to my friends, I often found myself in major disappointment with the responses. I understand it is hard to know what to say sometimes, but sometimes it’s not about what you say it’s about your actions and how you really are there for them. I had spoken on a previous blog about suicide and everything I wrote still stands the same. When a celebrity dies, everyone always has something to say. I see people who I considered my friends writing posts about mental health and how important it is, these are the same people who ended conversations with me within minutes of me telling them I have felt suicidal since losing Mum. People treat suicidal people like they have a common cold. They know that colds disappear within a week or so, they expect people with mental health issues to heal that fast too. I can assure you this isn't anything like a common cold for suicidal people, because if that was the case then my cold has lasted for almost two years now. I had built up an expectation of what people should do when I would tell them stuff like this, but unfortunately what I have gotten doesn't match up at all. It’s sad, but I think we should all stop expecting so much from people because no one is the same, no one is you. 

 

I definitely would say I’m still struggling, I won’t deny that for anyone  - a lot of factors add up to why I am like this still. Past failed relations, finished friendships, moving houses again, but it goes without saying that Mum being amongst the clouds is the biggest reason. It’s not fatal but grief feels like it is sometimes, and it is still so hard to come to terms with. I recently read a psychology blog on grief and there was a bit that said ‘People tend to get impatient with the bereaved. But when there has been a profound loss, patience and understanding are often the most important things to be had’. This is all a bereaved person wants, I for sure would always appreciate patience. The only advice I can give to people is never, ever, tell someone how many months or years it has been since they lost someone and that they should be over it by now. We as humans can move forward, but we will not move on. And why should we? I lost the woman who gave birth to me, no one can ever expect me to move on from that. I still post pictures of her and I share a lot on social media because it’s my way of communicating with her. 

 

I saw a tweet the other month about how it’s weird when someone takes a photo of them holding their dying relatives hands whilst they’re in hospital. I used to be confused by it too, until I was put in a position like the one I was in with Mum. I took a picture of my hand holding hers, the day before she passed away. The picture reminds me of what her hand looked like whilst her soul was slowly drifting away. It’s somewhat comforting because it helps me remember the little things like how soft they were, how small but still so strong. It’s a photo I now cherish amongst the other pictures I have of her. It’s nice to be able to show everyone something like that, it’s what makes people think about life a little more deeply, which is why I write and say everything I do. Let people post what they want. It’s a coping mechanism people may not understand until they are unfortunate enough to go through something like this too. 

 

Since my last blog in October, a lot more has happened. In December I moved into a flat with a friend, not far from where Mums house was. Having to move again was so emotionally draining as I was already feeling so low, but it definitely was the best thing to do. I love having my own space and freedom. But being in the same area as where I have lived my whole life is now encouraging me more to start fresh in a different city altogether. I still have the idea to go to Africa for a while, and experience a whole new life there - this is something I have always dreamed about doing. That’s definitely something I will be looking into for my future, but for now I have to start figuring out a plan for moving to a new city. Not sure where I would like to move to yet, I am a very indecisive girl but I am so sure moving to a new setting would be so good for my mental health. It’s hard living in an area where I know the paths have been walked on by Mum. Some people find it comforting but for me personally I don’t at all. From now on all I’ll be doing is saving up in case I do get the opportunity to move.

 

At the end of January I was filmed for BBC Points West with the grieving group that I go to called Lets Talk About Loss. The lady who runs it had created bereavement cards that are much more sensitive for people that have lost someone, the BBC filmed us talking about our lost loved ones, how the group helps us and about the cards. I was really up for it to start with, and then when the questions were being asked I instantly regretted it. The idea of being able to get my Mums photo on television was all I could have ever wanted, having people from all across the UK seeing how beautiful she is and telling them about her story. But unfortunately my expectations turned out wrong. I became very depressed after having been filmed and asked ‘So how will the loss of your mum affect your future?’. I started to tear up on camera. My whole future has changed with no longer having Mum in it. I haven't got any grandparents for any children I bring into the world, I haven't got someone to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, I just haven't got my partner in crime anymore. I wouldn’t say it’s an insensitive question to ask as I have these kinds of conversations with my friends all the time, but the intensity of being filmed and talking to strangers about my future was just a bit too much to handle. Overall it was an experience I'm glad I was brave enough to try.

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And finally, it’s my birthday on March the 7th. I had planned a beautiful trip to Venice with some of my friends for five days to celebrate my 22nd. We unfortunately had to come to a decision to cancel the trip due to coronavirus having Italy on lock down. All of our money was spent on the trip, so we won’t be able to book somewhere else last minute which means I am going to have to spend my birthday in Bristol. This was something I was really trying to avoid doing as I can't express enough how much I need a break from my hometown right now. But sometimes things don't work out your way, and this is a global crisis so I can’t be too mad. But I can however be upset. This is my second birthday without Mum, and it’s safe to say I feel worse than I did with the first one. Last year was a complete blur, whilst now it’s become more real. They say time is a healer, I on the other hand would disagree because yes you may learn to live with not having someone around but it doesn't mean it gets any easier. I’m allowing myself to feel down about it again this year, her death is still so fresh and raw to me so if my body is asking me to be like this then I’m going to let it and I will just ride it out for as long as it takes.

 

I will be spending my birthday with my friends still as planned, and I know that they will do their best to make it special for me. I now feel like however, everything happens for a reason. I entered a competition with Gymshark at the start of January to hopefully motivate me more to go to the gym as exercising really does help my mental well being because of the endorphins it releases. Unfortunately my mental health has been too bad to even get myself to the gym as often as I had hoped. When I first entered the competition I wrote about losing Mum and the reason why I was doing this. I recently received an exclusive invite to London by Gymshark to celebrate International Women's Day and the real women in our lives who ‘lift us’. This couldn't have come at a better time considering I can’t go to Italy anymore, and it really is the boost I have needed. I celebrate my Mums life every day in my own little way, so I couldn’t think of a better way to actually spend International Women's Day than with a very empowering group of people on the 8th of March. I will then be spending the evening in London, and finishing off my birthday with a glass of prosecco, or two. 

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My mum said to me when I turned 20 that this will be the greatest decade of my life. Three months after her saying that she passed away. This definitely hasn’t been the best years of my life so far, it’s fair to say it has 100% been the worst. When I posted Mums death on my social media, I had written amongst other things ‘The next 20 years without you will be nothing compared to the first 20 years I have lived with you by my side. You have given me so much strength over the years, so this is the strength I will use to try and live without you next to me. The strength and courage and fight I have inside of me are the things I will continue to use to make you proud of me’. My promise to her is to keep this in mind every day, as I continue to grow older. 

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Mother's Day is in the same month as my birthday, so it’s safe to say this is a very testing month for me. It’s such a bittersweet feeling on Mother’s Day seeing everyone post their pictures and have days out etc. It has become a love hate relationship, I adore everyone being able to have such a beautiful memorable day with their families, but hate the fact that I am now missing out. Instead of making breakfast for Mum and buying gifts for her that we knew she’d always love, the three musketeers now being two have to spend it alone and think of ways we can honour her on the day, as she is now in the sky. 

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After all of this I'm still rooting for myself to live a great life. Part of me is so hurt and tired, but a slither of me still has that little bit of energy needed to keep going. Life can be so intense sometimes, but it’s important to remember all of the positive things about yourself and everything around you. Mum may not be here but I’m still learning so much from her. She’s teaching me how to be patient, if I wasn’t patient I wouldn't be here right now. Good things come to those who wait, right? She’s teaching me to have faith, and is reminding me of all the things I have in life to live for (the biggest being my sister). She’s teaching me to speak my mind, to stand up for everything I believe in. She’s teaching me to accept what I cannot change, I won’t ever be able to bring her back in despite of how much I want to. The world will never be the same without her in it. But her spirit lives on in both my sister and I, she will never die in our eyes. Her death is something I will never accept, but I will allow myself to understand that this is the circle of life. Mum’s circle was unfairly cut short. I will forever be grateful for her teachings, and I will continue to learn from her and also learn from myself in this grieving journey I am on.

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‘What do you desire most out of life?’ - My desire/desires would be more spiritually related than materialistic as that’s the way Mum brought both myself and Danielle up to be like. My desire would be to make a difference in the world somehow, and be remembered after death by doing as much as I could to help people who need it. I want to make an impact. I mentioned earlier about wanting to go to Africa, this is to either help with the animals or work in one of the schools with the beautiful little children. This would be something that would test me massively doing it by myself, but I came across a quote once that said ‘Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the bigger underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness’. When you push through the fear, you will feel such a sense of relief as your feeling of helplessness subsides. At the end of the day memories are all you have, and I want to ensure that the memories I am left with are of doing great things for others. The thought of the future breaks down the barriers of fear for me, I know that if I go outside of my comfort zone it’s okay because I am doing something so immensely rewarding. Not only will I be helping others, but I know I will be helping myself in the whole process. The reason I write is for both myself and everyone who reads my blogs, if I can then do physical things too to help a much wider range of people then it will be even more gratifying and it will have such a massive impact on my mental health. I have always looked after Mum, so to now only have myself to think about feels wrong. I have never had so much focus on myself and this is actually making me feel worse, as weird as it may sound. 

 

The irony is my Mum is alive, she is more alive than I am and yet I’m the one who is still living. She is more free than I’ll ever be, at least that’s how it feels right now. But we are meant to survive beyond our stories, so I am doing it for the both of us, Mum. 

 

If you are someone who is reading this whilst struggling, please know you can reach out to me. Doesn't matter age, race or gender I am someone who is here to help. I could seem unconventional at times, I’m certainly not a qualified counsellor but I am someone who understands and who won’t discourage any messages sent to me. You cannot help what happens to the inside of your mind and body, but you can certainly help what happens to your life on the outside. And there is so much to live for. The tunnel might seem so long and dark, but there definitely is a light at the end. The light for me may not be visible yet, it may take me 3 months or 3 years but I am doing my best to find it. 

 

Facebook: Rhea Sanderson Instagram: rheasanderson @email: rhea_sanderson@outlook.com