Smile For Her
There were seven special occasions we celebrated as a whole. Seven occasions Mum was a part of. With Mum no longer here, seven turns to ten. This is what I am struggling with the most right now.
August 4th 2018 was the day we held Mum’s Celebration of Life. This was the first event we had without her and it made it even worse that it was for her…because of her. It wasn’t a funeral. It was a party. The most beautiful party which is everything we know she would have wanted and more. Mum and I had a few conversations about what she wanted to happen when her time was up. She wanted to be cremated, not buried. This led her to wanting her ashes to be at the party, with a glass of rum and coke placed next to her. She wanted the song ‘Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead’ put on the playlist, (she had a ‘wicked’ sense of humour). She wanted us to be happy and cherish the day, instead of thinking of it as a funeral for her.
What Mum wanted, we gave her.
We decorated a venue on the riverside with lots of flowers, pictures hanging in the middle of hula-hoops, fairy lights, her scarves and a big beautiful mirror that she had in her bedroom. Her ashes were placed at the entrance on a table with her favourite portrait framed next to her, and of course with that glass of rum and coke. The song was added to the playlist, but we made sure to play it once Nan had left as I don’t think she would have appreciated the joke quite so soon… I’m so thankful that the evening turned out to be so special for Mum. I know she was there with us all, dancing weird like she would and more than likely taking sips of that rum and coke. You walked into the venue and you knew it was for her, her personality was in every corner.
As much as I did enjoy it, I found it incredibly hard. This was the first thing that made me start to realise Mum had actually gone. A close family friend read out a poem that Mum had asked her to read, which I knew nothing about until that very moment. And when the speeches started, that’s when I felt my heart break a little bit more. As much as my Nan wanted her two granddaughters to say something about Mum, I physically couldn’t bring myself to stand up in front of Mums friends and family and speak. They say you shouldn’t regret things you did or didn’t do once someone has passed, but when I look back now I do regret not saying anything. Mum wanted me to tell her my speech before she died, so that she could experience it physically and then in spirit. But I couldn’t do either of them. I’m upset we weren’t prepared for how soon her death was otherwise I would have gotten round to doing it. But I know Mum knows. She knows how deep my love goes, and how eternally grateful I am to have been given a Mum like her.
Even though my sister and I are adults, Mum would still do stockings full of little presents for us for Christmas which was so cute. She handmade stockings for us in our favourite colours a few years back, and she used them each time. Not waking up to go to her bedroom to open them was yet another thing I found hard. My sister came into my bedroom however, with the stocking Mum made me full to the brim with presents. I appreciate Danielle doing that because this was our first Christmas without her. It was set to be a very sad day, so keeping our traditions helped a little bit. Going to the living room to open our presents was horrible. All I kept thinking was ‘this just isn’t fair’. I sat back and watched everyone open their presents and I ended up getting so overwhelmed that I had to leave the room. It’s all quite a blur now but I won’t forget how upsetting it was for her to not be there with us throughout the Christmas period.
New Year’s Eve was train wreck. My best friend helped me so much that night and I owe her a lot for it. We sat in the smoking area as the New Year was approaching us, talking about what had happened and how proud of me she was. Even though I wanted to be able to get through the night without thinking too much, it really did help being able to go to my friend when I needed her the most. She didn’t need to sit outside with me when it was such a big event, but that’s what selfless people do when they truly care about you. That may not seem like a lot to some people but to me it really meant the world. It’s the little things that are appreciated the most.
What was ridiculously hard was to not think about having to start a complete new year without Mum having even stepped a foot into it. As soon as it hit midnight I burst into tears… again. I really wanted to enjoy the evening but the thing about having so much going on in your life is finding it hard seeing everyone around you enjoy themselves with nothing holding them back. You think about how your parent has just died but other people are carrying on with their lives. And honestly that’s not something selfish to admit, I know a lot of people who have thought this in their personal situations and I know a lot of people will think the same if it happens to them. It’s natural.
Both my sister and I have now had our first birthday without her, and it’s safe to say it wasn’t mentally enjoyable. It was my 21st in March and that age is considered to be a big one. It was emotional that Mum wasn’t able to see me reach it. Danielle and I are sadder for her more than we are for ourselves throughout all of this. Mum is going to be missing out on so many things now that she’s gone, things she would have appreciated so much. Even though her life was hard, she appreciated the concept of life a lot, but she appreciated her two daughters being a part of it the most. She really did love us so much, and she was so excited to see everything we were going to achieve. I was truly gutted to experience my 21st without my Mum, but I was gutted she couldn’t experience any of it for herself more so. My sister and my friends made it so special for me, but it was the little things like waking up and not having that birthday hug. Not having the birthday song being sung by Mum in the silly voice she used to do. Those were the things that was hard to come to terms with. I wish she was able to write to me how proud she is for me reaching this age, like how she used to.
I cried throughout my whole birthday night out. (yes I’m a big crier). It was a mixture of having such a good time because of my friends and family, and then being sad for not having Mum to celebrate with me too. It was definitely a roller-coaster of emotions just like Christmas. It was hard to decide whether to even do anything for my birthday or not. Half of me really wanted to celebrate my big 21st, and then the other half wanted to stay at home wrapped up watching films and eating ice cream. As much as I know Mum would want me to do what’s most comfortable for me mentally, I also know she would have wanted me to celebrate it. So I celebrated big, and I do look back now with no regret.
As one of my birthday presents, Danielle had booked me a spa trip which accidentally ended up being on mother’s day. Because of us already having something pre-planned, it made the day slightly more cope-able. However, there were quite a few moments where we found ourselves getting annoyed a bit and perhaps somewhat angry. Seeing all the pretty flowers and mother’s day cards right next to the entrance in shops and social media posts of everyone else and their mum definitely made the day ‘suck’ just that little bit more. We made sure we kept our spirits high by talking about our favourite and funniest memories of Mum to make sure she was still included. And instead of truly being angry about the situation we made awkward jokes to each other. That’s one thing through this grieving experience that makes it easier, being able to make little jokes here and there. However these are the kind of jokes that no one will get the humour of unless they are grieving too, and I’ve learned through new friends who have lost people as well that it’s okay to do this. I sometimes hate making jokes as you have to be in the right mood for it, but then I think about how Mum made jokes about her cancer quite a lot over the years so I know she would be laughing with us.
Of all of the events so far, I will admit mother’s day was the easiest and I thank my sister for that.
So the eighth new event (after the original birthdays, Christmas etc.) was Mums celebration of life party, the ninth is now Scotland. Mum told me beforehand she wants her ashes to be spread next to a river, just somewhere beautiful and peaceful. As hard as this has all been, no matter what Mum told me she wanted, I’ve made sure she’s got it. So May 27th we fly to Scotland for a few days, to spread her ashes somewhere ‘beautiful and peaceful’. The day after we arrive will be also be her birthday, which will be the day we spread her ashes. This trip has two very important events, but what’s the hardest thing to accept is that one of them wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for her passing. Mum will be there in spirit for both her birthday and the spreading of her ashes, and I’m really struggling to find the words to describe how this feels.
I’ve been quite scared leading up to Scotland because I feel like spreading her ashes is a way of letting her go. I’ve always thought about this moment, but had never imagined I’d be given my Mum in a blue cardboard box so soon, let alone having to then organise a trip to go and spread her ashes. The whole concept is insane. But as heart-breaking as this is going to be, I’m excited to find the perfect spot to lay her to rest. We’ve always believed in spirits and the afterlife, Mum especially, so when we get to where we end up spreading her ashes I hope Mum makes her presence known. I just want something to show me and make me feel like this is the right place for her. As much as I really don’t want to let her go, everything I’ve ever done is for this beautiful woman, and this is the last thing on her list that I can do. This trip means more to me than I can explain.
And then we get to the final event. June 30th 2018 is when my Mum died, and so this means her one year anniversary is approaching us. It blows my mind how fast the last year has gone. Everything has been a complete and utter blur but her strength and courage is what has inspired and helped me to also be strong and courageous through this horrible experience and process of grieving and healing. The plan for her anniversary isn’t final yet, but all I know is that my thoughts will be full of her. I’ll also feel so proud of myself for making it a whole year without her by my side. I’ll be blowing the biggest kiss to the stars, for the incredible soul who lives amongst them.
…
Mum, you weren’t only my parent you were my best friend, my every day, my tutor and guidance. Someone I could confide in with everything, trust, and feel safe with.
You have done so much for me, I wouldn’t know where to thank you. I have been nothing but inspired by your strength and passion for life, even though yours wasn’t kind to you.
You were my number one supporter, no matter how many times I fell down you were always there to pick me up. I feel so privileged to be your little girl, and to have been given a mum like you in this life.
Your soul was beautiful. You were beautiful. You ARE beautiful and you always will be.