​

I’ve learned a lot since Mum passed away. I’ve learned I loved her more than I thought I did, I thought that was impossible as my love was so big already. I loved her incredible amounts but the absence of her has shown me how much I genuinely, deeply loved her and also how much my world evolved around her. I had looked after Mum emotionally and physically, when she needed me, for many, many years. The death of her has made me learn how much I hadn’t been looking after myself. Not having someone else to focus on made me question how to look after myself, as it is a different kind of care. I battle the loss of my beautiful Mum every single day, morning right through to night. The strength it takes to get up out of bed is a strength no one will understand unless something horrific like this happens to them.

 

There’s a social stigma attached to mental health. Once someone knows you’re mentally ill and feeling suicidal, you are treated differently. I’ve encountered this a few times since losing Mum, where I have told someone how I truly feel and then the conversation ends quicker than it started. I understand it may be hard to find something to reply to a ‘deep’ message, but how a person feels should never be disregarded. Listen to what they have to say, take it in and respond in a mature and sensitive manor. I’m quite an open person so all I ever want to do is talk to people, often people hide it but grieving on your own is too risky. It’s so good to express how you feel to as many people as you can, the more people that know you’re struggling the more help you’ll get. Unfortunately for me, that hasn’t always been the case. A lot of people have disappointed me since telling them I’ve been feeling mentally unstable. I’ve had said to me ‘no you’re not ill, you’re fine’ and then things like ‘keep your chin up’ – with this second one, please think of something more meaningful to say, as I clearly can’t lift my chin up on my own right now. If you aren’t willing to help knowing you may get a serious reply on how I’m feeling then please don’t ask, just let me know you are thinking of me.

​

It’s taken the death of my Mum to show me who my friends are, and who genuinely cares for my well-being. I’ve lost quite a lot of friends in my journey of grieving, maybe that’s because they can’t handle the reality, but I have started to be selfish on who I associate myself with and who gets to be a part of my new life. I’ve changed a lot since losing Mum. I’ve always been a down to earth and mature girl, but now I’m even more grounded and I look at life completely different. I have never been materialistic, I was raised as a child in a council flat with a mother who struggled with money. Even though I have money of my own now that certainly hasn’t made me forget where I came from. I use my money to make memories, it’s only been a year since losing Mum so I haven’t been up for doing too much yet but every now and then I take trips to different cities and in July I went on my first holiday in two years. Summer evenings abroad make me feel so content, so it was perfect timing going just after Mums one year anniversary. I was able to calm my mind differently to being here in Bristol.

​

When Mum passed away, not only did I lose my main parent, I also lost my home and my dog. My father is not involved in my life, never has been and most likely never will be as he lives in Japan (but that’s a whole other story). So my sister is my whole life now. I was Mum’s carer so I didn’t have a job for the last couple of months she was still with us, so when she died I had to move out as I wouldn’t have been able to afford rent for the house we had been living in for the past nine years. After a month of packing up the house, selling things we couldn’t put into storage, giving away stuff at car boot sales and charity shops, I moved in with my sister and her boyfriend. We had a little white westie, my absolute best friend. Unfortunately I couldn’t bring her with me, so my sister’s dad had taken her into his care. This was the best solution as I can still go to see her whenever I want. My sister and my dog are the last two things I have in my life which are linked to Mum, and it’s safe to say I’m holding onto them for dear life.

​

A couple of months into living with my sister, my friends started a go-fund me page to help me with finding somewhere new to live. The money went towards a deposit for a rented room, but unfortunately I fell into the hands of a bad landlord. Five months later I had gotten myself out of there, and I am now back with my sister. I surprisingly enjoyed the independence, and even though I was heavily grieving I was able to take care of myself alone, which I know Mum would be so proud of. The main thing I know she would be proud of is how I found myself a full time job, three months after she passed away. I have been signed off of work three weeks in total since being there, to take care of my mental health. A break every now and then has been needed, as my whole life has turned upside down. I’m now trying to find a new job, as the one I’m at now isn’t helping me get my health back to normal.

​

Not only did my mental health deteriorate, my physical health has gone downhill too. I’ve developed a thing called flashes and floaters which is in my eyes, and this is because of all the strain depression has done. So when I go outside I now see these little things moving around in my vision. I had my eyes tested, but there’s nothing they can do as it is just one of those things that can happen from stress so I now have to live with it. I’ve had symptoms of a brain tumour, but the doctor put it down to me grieving and they’ve said my body has been shutting down. The doctor’s tip was to watch Netflix, eat what I want and just be kind to myself. I ended up putting on a lot of weight, but I took his funny advice and my physical health is actually getting back to normal. I’m able to get back to the gym to lose that weight I put on from comfort eating, I don’t feel so weak anymore. I can’t say the same for my mental health but one step at a time…

 

When it comes to relationships now, I’m even fussier than I was before. I’m not after attention, I want peace. Being a young girl who should be dating and enjoying life is hard when you have a lot on your shoulders. I want companionship, and I am happy to wait until I find it. I don’t want to date for the sake of being young, I would rather be single and look after myself than try to find someone who can’t take care of my needs on a serious level. I don’t need a man to depend on as I am capable of feeding my own needs. But it would be nice to have someone to be there when I need them for some comfort, as a male’s comfort is different to a friends. A relationship isn’t always 50/50, sometimes it may be 80/20 on a bad day. Someone I date may have to help me that little bit more at times, but I am not saying I wouldn’t do the exact same even for them if I’m feeling down myself. I always took care of my Mum, I have a caring nature so being in a relationship would actually be really good for me. I don’t want people to be scared of dating someone who’s grieving, we still know how to have fun. It is a lot to deal with, but if you complement each other then it will work like any other solid relationship.

​

“But the greatest challenge, the greatest thing to do when you have lost someone is to really date yourself”. Perhaps I am dating myself right now as I’m cooking myself nice meals, pampering and treating myself but mainly just letting myself heal. Dating is drastically different for me now. When I meet people, all I can think about is how I won’t ever be able to introduce them to Mum. And this is what I struggle with when I start dating someone new, which sometimes makes it difficult for me to fully open up to them but as they say time is a healer and if I don’t push myself then I’ll never find the happiness I deserve. There has been people Mum met prior to her passing, that she liked and there was things I know that she didn’t like about them. I think I use that to find the right person for me now, as long as I’m happy with who I date then I know she would be happy too. I have reevaluated what I value and what I want out of life. I am now paying attention to what I’m feeling and what I need.

​

I have lost a lot of confidence when Mum passed away. I stopped going to the gym, didn’t care much about my appearance and hid inside quite a lot. I had done what is called ‘ghosting’ and I often get messages from people asking where I’ve been. Mental illness is invisible, I could look so good to other people but I still feel so ugly. This is why I recently deleted social media. Constantly seeing beautiful girls on my Instagram feed was becoming very unhealthy for me as I had such a low self-esteem. But I’m actually ready to work on it now and feel sexy again!!!

​

I want people to know that this blog applies to males who have mental health difficulties too. No male should be told to ‘man up’ when they really want to get the help they need. The stigma around mental health for men is worse in my eyes. We are ALL human, we’re not robots. So it doesn’t matter what gender we are, we all deserve the same attention and help when we’re feeling down. The stigma and discrimination is stopping men from opening up however since posting my blogs, I’ve had a few males come to me for help. Nothing is more rewarding than that. I’m not a professional, I’m a 21 year old female who has problems of her own but that will never stop me from wanting to help as many people that need it. I can relate to you, so if you need someone to talk to please don’t feel like you can’t come to me, and it doesn’t matter if I don’t know you. I will get to know you and help where it’s needed and where I can. Suicide prevention companies, counselling charities etc. have such a long waiting list and sometimes it’s too long to wait to get help. And this is why I am here. I’m not going to be someone’s councillor, but a new friend to those who want one.

​

This blog is also for friends and family of someone who they think or know is struggling with either the loss of someone, self-esteem issues, depression and anxiety etc. Some people also don’t have to have a reason at all for feeling ill, but you have to be patient with them as well. Mental health problems cover all types of things. Its physical symptoms that are the sign of someone going through a bad time if they haven’t said something already. A messy room is my biggest sign, if my room isn’t tidy then that’s me having a rough patch. For some people it’s a lack of appearance, people often don’t want to wash when they’re feeling really low. Excessive complaints of physical ailments is another one, also something I do. Other signs are mood changes and unusual behaviour, problems with concentration, sleep and appetite changes. With appetite changes that could be either less eating or eating more, for me it’s been major comfort eating… I could eat all day every day. If you notice a friend not coming to events as much as they used to, please don’t stop inviting them to things. Instead of a night out, invite them for brunch. They might appreciate that more, I know I do. Clubs are too overwhelming sometimes so day events might be the way forward to help someone get out of the house.

​

I also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has supported me recently. If it wasn’t for you all, my closest friends and my beautiful big sister I don’t think I would be here today. The end of the tunnel is still quite dark, but you’ve given me more light than I would have been able to get on my own.