Today would have started off with a cooked breakfast for you. You weren’t always able to sleep in your bed so wherever you were, the food would have been brought to you. To wash it down maybe we would have had a cheeky prosecco and really get the celebrations going. The living room would have been decorated with all things purple and sparkly - your favourite. We would have had all of your presents placed nicely in front of the fireplace ready for you to open. I don’t actually know what I would have bought you but I know we really would have spoiled you Mum. Whenever it was your birthday you never really asked for anything, you would always just want mine and Danielles company and to spend real quality time with us. I’m sorry we can’t even do that for you today.

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It was the little things that you really cared about. I loved you most for that because you were so appreciative of anything we gave you. We’ve never been a wealthy family, we struggled a few times to the point where other people were filling our cupboards with food because we couldn’t. As a family we did become appreciative of the little stuff. The thought behind your birthday presents were what mattered the most. It never was about the price, you weren’t a materialistic woman and you taught us to be the same without really saying anything. I’ve learned so much from you, not just from your words but more from your own mannerisms. The way you held yourself certainly rubbed off on me. You made mistakes, but who doesn’t. If it wasn’t for those mistakes you wouldn’t have learned and made yourself better. You became the most beautiful caring soul I have ever come across and I’m so proud to call you my Mum.

 

It’s hard to focus on all of the good things when a lot of bad has happened, but it’s so important to remember the memories we shared together. Even being at the hospital was fun with you sometimes, it would be like a day out for us. Just being by your side was so comforting and I always felt safe. Whenever one of us cried about something, the other would then make an inappropriate joke and we’d just be laughing and crying all at once. Danielle and I still do that, with even worse jokes now but I know you would be laughing with us. 

 

My favourite memory of you is when we went on holiday in 2017 to Greece. You were feeling quite poorly at times whilst we were there, but we really did make the most of the time we had together. There was one night where we all got dressed up and went to one of the bars by the water. We then went to a little club further down. You were never able to stay for long at events with bright flashing lights because of the brain tumor you previously had, it would always get too much for you, but wow did you do me proud! It was so good to see you enjoy yourself, I think that was the first time in ages I had seen you so happy. I remember standing back and just watching you dance in front of everyone with no cares in the world, it was such a special moment and certainly a memory I won’t ever be able to forget. It gets me really emotional thinking about this particular memory with you, because I just wish we could have had more like that. We won’t be able to dance with you at our weddings, and that’s painful, but I’ll just have to think back to this day and imagine you on the dance floor with us.

It will sound like nothing to others, but spending days on the sofa lounging around with you was always my favourite. Dancing and singing to the annoying adverts that would come on the tv, cooking some chips to munch on, bliss. My favourite video of you is where you’re sat on the sofa in your dressing gown dancing with your shoulders to a tune that was being played. I’m laughing at the end of the video and I still laugh like that when I watch it. You were always so funny without even trying, I don’t know if you knew how funny you actually were but you knew you always made me smile which would then make you smile more. We really did have that great mother daughter banter, when we were all together we’d always be laughing no matter the situation. We would laugh so much sometimes to the point where you wouldn’t be able to control it. Tears rolling down our faces, choking on drinks, the lot. What I would do to live a moment like that with you again! If only we could today on your special day. 

 

My favourite thing about you was how weird and quirky you were. There’s things you would do that not many other people would even think of doing. One example, whilst clearing out our old home we found one of your photo albums with printed out screenshots of your facebook status’. They were really good to be fair so I can understand, but so random of you. I don’t know many people that would do that, but this was one of your ways of entertaining yourself and keeping those good memories forever, which was lush for us because we were then reminded of your creativity at such a bad time in our lives. 

 

Your facebook page is something I actually really cherish. I was recently looking at it and I came across a photo album you had made in 2014. It was titled ‘Get Rhea To Gambia! Cards’ and you were trying to sell your own handmade cards to help me go on a school trip to Gambia. I can’t even remember you doing this but I am in awe of how special you were. Unfortunately I didn’t get to go, but the fact you really tried to finance it yourself as a single mother is something I am so grateful for. You always tried so hard for us, and it just amazed me so much every time. You are one incredible human being! I promise I will go to Africa one day, and I will cherish every thing I experience when I’m over there. I hope you’ll be there with me by my side, helping out with the little children and walking with me when I’m with the elephants and giraffes.

 

Your dress-sense kind of made you different as well but it just showed off your personality in a cute and fun way. You would wear long flowy skirts and butterfly necklaces, and in the winter you would always wear those furry boots and that black hat of yours. It actually made it easy to shop for you as the clothes that were your style and that suited you would stand out in the shops. To this day I still walk past clothes in stores and think to myself ‘Mum would have liked that’. Patterned dresses and white blouses were our go to for you. We bought you a white blouse that you then took to Greece with us that time, and how beautiful did you look! By far everyone's favourite photo of you is the picture we took of you on the balcony of our hotel room. We now have teddy bears made out of your clothes that we can cherish forever, the white blouse being a part of it. Another funny memory is when we bought you a playsuit. Without you realising it was a playsuit, you tried to squeeze into one of the leg holes and showed us. The realisation of it not just being a dress was funny, it did fit you after all. It actually became your favourite and you wore it a lot which was so nice. It really did look amazing on you, Mum. Everything always did. I miss us doing catwalks for each other in the living room when we bought something new. Your compliments always humbled me and always made me feel so special. We probably would have bought you something to wear for tonight as well, for the evening of your birthday. And I can guarantee some sparkly jewellery would have been there waiting for you to put on. 

 

Nothing I ever write does you any justice. But truly, your presence was so refreshing and so soulful, I hope people can see that from my words and the way I write about you. I’m sorry for the times I took you for granted, I’d do anything to be able to pick up my phone and call you right now. I often sit back and just imagine you walking around the corner, I don’t know if that is normal or healthy because I do become sad when it never happens but it helps me remember you. What you looked like, how you walked, how you smiled. Effortlessly beautiful every single time. 

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Today is your day. This was meant to be such a big celebration, for you to have lived 50 years would have been a dream come true. Sometimes our visions don’t come to life and unfortunately for us this was one of them. I wish you could have made it until your 50th. You always told me you wouldn't mind leaving earth by 60, because you didn't want to be old and grey... I'm sorry your vision was cut even shorter. 

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I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you have done for us as a family, and continue to do even without being here. We remind ourselves everyday of your greatness, and as your two daughters we strive to be the same. We can’t wait to bring up our own children the way that you have brought us up. I hope I’m blessed with a special bond with them, like the one I had with you. A bond that was unbreakable and could never be forgotten.

 

These are just a few of the memories we made together, but it’s comforting to know I have them forever.

 

I love you so much Mum, I hope we’re doing you proud. Happy 50th Birthday to my angel in the sky.