Sunday 4th of June. Around 11:35am. The moment I found out I was going to become a mum and that my life was going to change forever. The most surreal and incredible experience I have ever had.

 

There is more to our story than ‘accidentally falling pregnant’. Our little pickle was very much planned. It starts with the fact that we have always spoken about having children together. I think from our very first date everything became very clear very fast. That we were each other's person and that we were going to create a fairytale life together. We knew we both deserve it, and decided we didn’t want to do life with anyone else. On our trip to Paphos in September 2022, in all honesty we kept talking about when we were going to have a baby. After quite a deep conversation whilst also maybe a little ‘blue lagoon drunk’, I took a picture of me on snapchat and sent it to Mark (even though I was sitting right next to him) with a caption saying that I will be pregnant for Christmas 2023. Manifestation is a very big thing for me and I believe I have definitely proved that it works in the most magical ways… The universe really does listen and I’ll be just over a month away from giving birth, whilst celebrating Christmas with my family this year. Eeeek how wholesome!

 

There were also a lot of conversations between us about how ‘we should wait until..’ or ‘maybe when we have this or that then we can try’. ‘There is never the right time’ as people say but myself being pregnant right now, actually, this really is the right time. We stopped talking about it for a while and were using our time together to just have fun, but the more we held off on the idea, the harder it became. No one else really knew that we wanted a baby together so badly and so soon, so I’m sure it had been a bit of a surprise to everyone, but also the best news I think they’ve received in a while. New life brings everyone life.

 

On the 15th of April this year, was the day that we made the biggest decision ever, for me to stop taking contraception. Myself and Mark were out with our friends and their little baby girl, and after spending more time with her we just knew we couldn’t wait much longer for one of our own. Just seeing Mark hold the beautiful baba, I knew it was time. Then and there we made the decision together and the very next day I chucked all of my pills away. If I have my calculations correct, I must have gotten pregnant within about 2 weeks of stopping my pill, bearing in mind I have been taking it for years and years. I honestly thought we would have had a couple of months until it would happen, as we have heard lots of stories of it taking a while. But here I am, apparently a very fertile queen getting ready for her first baby!!

 

This is my most exciting blog I’ve ever written, and the contrast in how different it is compared to my last one is crazy. From February this year all the way through to May/June, it’s safe to say I was not myself. A lot was explained in my previous blog. During that time, I found myself living in groundhog day and struggled a lot with my mental health. BUT NOW. My spirits have never been higher and I am absolutely loving every moment of it. Don’t get me wrong, the first trimester had absolutely whooped my ass. Constant nausea for about two weeks then turned into constant vomiting, exhaustion and a ‘hangover’ type of headache every morning. For someone who has been so active for years in the gym and being healthy, to then have to deal with all of that definitely was a struggle. But this is the best reason to be poorly, because I’m growing a little baba.

 

I haven’t entirely always seen myself as being a mum, I knew one day I would have children but I never thought to myself ‘this is what I was born for’ like a lot of women do. I certainly didn’t expect that once I was pregnant I would feel so attached to it so soon and suddenly feel whole again. I was my mum's carer for many years which 100% has built me into who I am today. When she passed away I lost myself, I lost what I thought was my purpose. I believe and understand now that I am here to care and to share all of the love that I have inside of me. The fact that now it is all for my own little human is so amazing and special. I cared for mum because she needed me in ways unimaginable. All of the worst types of ways. As much as I loved caring for my Mum and by doing it we grew an unbreakable bond, it was very testing and  hard. But this will be so different, the best type of way of caring for someone that we both get to enjoy. I now have a new focus, a new purpose, and I can’t explain how much I have needed this without even knowing. To do all of this alongside the partner that I have, is an absolute dream come true.

 

On the morning of June the 4th, Mark and I went to the gym like we normally would together. For a strong gym gal I felt extremely weak and tired. He still put me through my paces but it wasn’t the normal intense workout that I could usually do. It didn’t initially spring to mind, but the more I sat and thought about it, I then had this intense gut feeling. After the gym, Mark went to the barbers, so I was left by myself for a little bit and ended up taking a test. Kind of a ‘just to see’ type of thing. Whilst waiting for the results, I sat there in such hope that I was. Suddenly two lines appeared and I just burst into tears. That moment was so incredible. I sat there by myself in silence not really knowing what to do, and then of course I told my beautiful angel mum. Sharing it with her first was very special to me, and I know that she was there with me at that moment. It made me cry so much that I couldn’t sit there and tell her in person, it would have honestly been the best thing ever as I knew she wanted to be a grandmother so bad. She always spoke about how she wanted to be called ‘Glamma’. A glamorous grandma. I knew at that moment that there will be a lot more that I will find heartbreaking throughout this whole process.

 

When we made the decision to stop my pill, I would sit on my laptop at work and google everything possible to do with being pregnant. I came up with ways of announcing to everyone, and even started ordering bits and pieces in preparation. Because of this, by the date that I found out, I was ready to announce it to my closest family members the following week.

 

Telling Mark was such a special moment for us both. I kept it to myself on the Sunday, as I wanted to print out a poem that I had prepared on my work laptop. I kept smiling and cuddled into Mark extra hard for the evening. He said to me ‘Wow you are glowing’, and it warmed my heart so much because I knew the reason why I was. It got me so excited to tell him as I knew he would glow too. I went into work on Monday 5th June, kept my happy little self to myself and printed out my poem. When I got back, I waited so anxiously for Mark to come home. When he walked through the door, I asked him to come upstairs straight away because I just couldn’t wait any longer. As soon as he hugged me I started crying. I sat him down, and told him I made him a poem. His nickname for me is ‘Pickle’, so I wrote about two pickles being in love and a star they used to wish upon. When I got to the end of the poem, I brought out a little rectangle box from under the pillow which said ‘Our Greatest Adventure Begins’ and there was a positive pregnancy test and a knitted toy pickle inside. When Mark saw the box, it all suddenly made sense for him and I can’t even explain how AMAZING his reaction was. 

 

Telling my sister was the most nerve wracking thing ever, I was so emotional to tell her. After everything that we have been through together, this was finally the best thing that’s happened for us both. To have a new addition to our family, after losing our mum, has been so needed. It will change everything for us. I had gotten her a card that said ‘Only the best Sisters get promoted to Aunty’. I was a bag of nerves giving her the card, but her reaction was so beautiful and raw and made it all worth it. It was all so surreal to start with and we both didn’t even know what to say, I think it took about a week or so for all of us for it to finally sink in. But now, the support and excitement is so lovely. I still think every now and then how crazy it is that I am growing my own baby. It’s incredible! As mum wasn’t with us when I announced, we definitely cried even more because we wanted her there so bad. It’s a bittersweet feeling, being so happy about what’s happening but it’s so heartbreaking that mum isn’t here to experience all of this with us.

 

On the 29th of July was our very first scan, to see our little baby. What a moment that was! The first sighting of our baby made us both tear up. It was so special to finally see. The night before I was super emotional and was having a conversation with Mark about how hard it is knowing that mum is the only one that I can’t show the scan to. He comforted me so much, and said that she will be there with us in spirit and will see it all. When we were at the scan, the sonogram lady was trying to get the best angels of the baby for us and to make sure all was well. She said ‘Come on pickle, move for us’. I mentioned before that Mark's nickname for me was pickle, and we started to call the baby pickle as well. Out of all of the words the lady could have used, she used that specific word. Me and Mark looked at each other straight away and instantly felt mum's presence. It felt like it was her making herself known to be there with us at the scan. This is the first time I’ve really believed that mum has been with me, and the fact that it was when we were seeing her grandbaby for the first time made it even better. I know she is over the moon with all of this. Feeling her there, gives me comfort and allows me to enjoy it all without guilt.

 

We paid for a private gender reveal scan with Welcome to the Womb, a beautiful company that does gender reveals, fetal well being checks, and 4D scans. We went to our appointment on the 26th of August, the most exciting day ever! Ever since we spoke about having a baby, we’ve always thought we would have a little girl first. Mark has three nephews, so the idea of having a girl to mix it up a bit would have been lush. Mark was so set on it being a girl, but I started to have mixed feelings about what it would be and ended up thinking that we would be having a boy. For years I had always seen myself as a boy mum, at least for my first one. When we arrived we said that we didn’t want to find out then and there, but instead to be given the confetti cannon with the secret colour inside that represents the baby's gender, for us to pop at home in private. We closed our eyes whilst the sonogrammer figured out what the gender was, and then they put the scan into an envelope. Once we got home, Mark and I went to the local field behind our house to have our own intimate gender reveal. It became quite a funny situation because the cannon just wouldn’t burst… On the cannon there are two lines which show you where to pop it, however it is completely wrong and placed too high. Where you need to twist is right at the bottom. This made it a little awkward as we just wanted to know what we were having. The wrapper then came off of the cannon, revealing the powdered colour at the bottom… Both trying to just ignore what we saw, Mark popped it and out it came! It was so fast and also windy so we didn’t even see the colour until we turned behind us to find it all. All jokes aside, we were completely over the moon to see a mist of BLUE with confetti flying around everywhere! I think it definitely took us by surprise as we thought it was going to be pink, but we were still so excited and happy to just finally find out. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what gender our babies will ever be, we’re just blessed to know we have such a healthy little baby growing. 

 

Now that we know the gender, we have been able to plan a lot more in regards to his nursery, choosing a name, getting the right type of clothes etc! As it stands, with what we have picked out, his nursery theme is linked a lot to his name… We are going to keep that private until he arrives and we can announce, so I can only talk about the colours of his room instead and the style we are going for. We absolutely love the colour sage, so there will be hints of that with hints of baby blue and white. He has a beautiful big white cot, with white furniture for all of his clothes and bits and bobs. 

 

What excites me most about becoming a mum is having a mini me who will be my bestest little friend. The thought of having a little baby who is half of me and half of Mark, is so beautiful. I already know how special he is going to be. Soft and gentle, but super funny with the best smile and eyes ever. I think I’m most excited to also become a new version of myself, and a much happier one. I’m so ready to be on maternity leave as I know I will be able to enjoy each day of my life to the fullest. I have plans of starting a new business whilst I am at home with our baby, something to make me connect with the creative side of myself again. I’ve been longing for a moment like this so I am definitely going to cherish every moment. Being creative and looking after our baby at the same time is going to be so fun for me, something that I know I can really enjoy doing. My purpose for being here! It is my time to flourish.

 

There is one specific name that we love, that I think we will definitely be going with. It is an unusual one - no one in Bristol at least that I know of is called it. It is a name from another country. I came across this name about two years ago, and ever since it has stuck in my mind and I absolutely adore it. I feel like I have such a connection with the name. As I think that we will be going with it, I want to keep his name a secret until we announce to make more of an impact! Growing up I loved being the only one with my name, so I want to give him the same experience. Being unique is a beautiful thing. Don’t get me wrong it was a struggle to find my name on personalised items, like those fun purple plastic water bottles everyone had as children, the coke bottles with everyones name on that was a trend at one point and key rings etc. But with the world being so diverse and creative now, we have an opportunity to make things for him on websites to ensure he gets the personalised items so that he is never left out. A couple of other names we liked are Dax, Arlo, Otis, Codi. Quite short names, but cool ones. We may still experiment, but in all honesty I hope we will go with what we have agreed on already because I love it so much! 

 

We’re planning on moving cities in November, somewhere still close to home. However, we both feel like we need a complete fresh start, and what better time to do it with a baby on the way. For me personally, being surrounded by a lot of places and people with bad memories, I haven’t been able to heal the way I have needed to. Living in the city where I have experienced so much hurt, continues to harm me. It is only right that I pack my bags up and start somewhere new! To do all of this with Mark as well, is the most wonderful thing ever and I cannot wait for this next chapter of our lives together. Once we move, we can then get the nursery sorted and decorate our new little home the way we both like. Luckily, we both have the same great taste so it’ll be so fun to decorate together! I can’t wait for all of the B&M trips, trips to the range, homesense etc. In my opinion, those days are extremely satisfying…

 

We have some really nice things to do before the baby arrives next year. We’re going on a long weekend away to Woolacombe Bay with three of Mark’s couple friends and two of their little babies as well which will be so lovely. I’m super excited for some quality time with the little ones and to have a good laugh with our friends, which is very needed. We are then hosting our baby shower in November. I wanted Mark to be there as well because I love seeing it where the partners join in on the baby shower fun, and I love doing everything with him anyway so it only makes sense to do it all together. So he will be there with all of his friends too! It’s quite early for a baby shower as people usually host them a month or so prior to giving birth. However as we are moving in November as well, we are also using it as a leaving party, a chance for us to say goodbye to everyone in Bristol. I think it will be quite an emotional day for myself and my family. We’ve been through a lot together so this is our moment to really take a look back at all that has happened, and think about all of the better things to come. It’ll be sad the thought of leaving them to go to another city, however we really won’t be far from each other - an hour's drive max. And everyone can come and stay with us on the weekends, so really it’s making everything look more thrilling for next year!

 

The most exciting thing of all that we have planned is our babymoon trip to Fuerteventura. The holiday that couples go on before the baby arrives. A week of sun, mocktails (no blue lagoon for me this time), swimming in the pool and dipping my toes in the sea (I’m scared of open water so the toes are as good as it gets), date night every night, bikinis etc! It will also be our 2 year anniversary whilst we are away. We’ve planned to go all out to celebrate, potentially a spa massage with a beautiful meal out at the end of the day, both dressed up for the occasion. I’m looking forward to showing off my big bump in all of my holiday outfits, if you know me on a personal level or follow me on instagram you already know my outfits are going to be sensational. I shine brightest on my holidays. And it will be even better when the bump is an added accessory! 

 

I cannot explain my gratitude to be able to do all of this with Mark. This is the soft life I have always dreamed of. It’s been a crazy year for the both of us. We live together however we both work full time jobs and have separate hobbies after work, so a lot of the time we don’t actually get to see each other until bedtime. Quality time like this spent abroad is just what we will need at the end of November. We haven’t been away this summer as we knew we would be moving this year, we’ve sacrificed a lot to save and get ready for it all. I then fell pregnant, which robbed me from enjoying anything anyway, so it was lucky we didn’t have things booked! We have enough saved now, so this gives us a chance to be able to chase the winter sun.

 

Lastly, we will be spending Christmas in our new little home - our third Christmas together but this one will be the best yet with a big baby bump. Wholesome weekends and nights spent at home drinking hot choc, watching films like Elf and The Grinch with mum's homemade decorations hanging up on the tree. A perfect end to the year. Then a month later, our little baby would have made his arrival and life changes forever! (For the absolute best).

 

I have had a different experience with my grief recently during all of this. Becoming a mum, after losing my mum, is a lot for my little brain to get around and adapt to. You learn a lot from your mum. She teaches you patience, passion, courage, honesty, perseverance. All things I am missing out on being a young woman. I lost her at an age that I wasn’t quite ready for ‘adult life’ and the lessons that come with getting older. Especially now, I need her here to guide me through this next chapter of my life. I will struggle a lot if I’m honest, but I am also going to do my best to really embrace every moment of it all and live each day to the fullest with our little pickle. He doesn’t deserve a life that starts with an unhappy mum, and my partner doesn’t deserve an unhappy girlfriend. So I am extremely ready to go above and beyond for them both, and give them the life they deserve. The grief I am going through is the longing for her warmth and comfort during my pregnancy, it will emphasise even more once I have given birth. I haven’t felt mum that much around me, spiritually, since she has left. There have been moments here and there, but I believe she is waiting for the right time to fully make her presence known. And the time that I believe is once I have had my baby. I am waiting patiently for this moment.

 

This is my last blog of the year as I enter a super busy couple of months, the next one may be at some point next year once he has arrived. What a beautiful thought. I just want to take this opportunity to thank every single one of you for reading this blog, reading my other blogs and constantly giving me your support. I have come a very long way since my first ever blog telling my mums story a couple of years ago. I couldn’t have done it without you. 

 

Over and out for now from this 5 month pregnant and grieving girl! I wrote in a blog a long time ago about how there is light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it was being shone by my little man and his ‘glamma’ all this time, I’ve finally reached them both. - Rhea x