When it comes to bad days, I don’t need to have anything major happen. The smallest things set me off and a lot triggers me to think about Mum and the bad memories we shared together. She would sleep a lot throughout the day, so she was in her dressing gown most of the time as she felt more comfortable in her pyjamas. A big white fluffy dressing gown. My sister and I actually decided to keep it, and it’s hanging up in Danielle’s spare room on the back of the door. I often forget it’s there so when I turn around and see the white sleeve of it, it knocks me back a step and I have to take a moment or two to then carry on doing what I was doing. I was on my way to work one morning and I saw a lady in a dressing gown walking through her garden, and because I was already emotional that morning I ended up crying in the street as it took me back to seeing Mum walk around the hospital in hers. The sound of someone coughing reminds me of when I was led in bed every night hearing Mum cough through the walls. I could hear the pain she was in. And because of that I now strongly dislike hearing a cough, sounds silly but it's now something I struggle with. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison was Mums most favourite song, it was a song that made her feel good. When this plays now, all I am reminded by is the day we took Mum into hospital one time when she was quite ill. Danielle went to get a wheelchair from the reception, and whilst Mum and I were waiting in the car, that song started to play on the radio. Because of how Mum was feeling – not really with it and quite spaced out, she got scared and started pointing at the radio crying and screaming for me to turn it off. Seeing her suddenly react like that made me cry and start to panic as well. I just wish I kept myself calm and managed to turn it off faster for her, but it was so hard. So it’s things like this that when I see/hear/smell something that reminds me of a bad time, I end up having a very bad day because I’m not strong enough (yet) to overcome my emotions and carry on with my day.

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I’ve been getting quite bad heart palpitations which make me feel so depressed and heavy, so if I wake up with my heart in pain and beating hard I know I’m set to struggle throughout the day. I’ve also started to have panic attacks, I have had one in work at 9am in the morning, and one in the smoking area of a nightclub. It doesn’t matter what my surroundings are. The weight of my grief is so heavy right now, it honestly feels like gravity is pulling me down but all I want to do is to just climb back up. The death of my Mum is preventing me from having the life I deserve, grief is holding me back from succeeding. Mum isn’t holding me back, my own mind is and I hope one day soon I can fight a little bit harder to get myself back on my feet. I know I have the potential to lead such a great life however my unhappiness is preventing me from doing so. I recently went to the doctors for my heart palpitations, as they have been getting more and more painful and after the last panic attack I had I wanted to get help. I had an ECG scan and also had my bloods taken just to be sure nothing else was going on and thankfully the results have come back fine. My vitamin D levels are low so I am now taking tablets to boost it back up but other than that it is just the stress that is causing my body to act this way. My Mum had four types of cancer, and they may have not been hereditary but for my own peace of mind I can never be too safe to get things checked out. I have to keep an eye on everything my body tells me, watch out for all lumps and bumps, and my doctor keeps telling me to do this too. My sister went to see a breast care nurse as she’s not far from the age that Mum first devolved breast cancer. They informed her that because of our family history, when she turns 40 she’ll have to have a scan every year until she is 59, and then it’ll be every three years. This will also apply to me. It’s a crazy thing to have to do and it makes me nervous for sure, but I like how looked after we will be when we reach that age. I have been through a lot seeing Mum go in and out of hospital for so many different things so it’s hard to not become a hypochondriac and get paranoid about my own health because of this. I just hope I don't obsess over my health, and forget to live in the moment and not worry so much.

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I've become very jumpy. I'm aware of all noises, I'm aware of everything that is around me. I don't know whether it could be part of post traumatic stress, but I was always so aware of Mum and where she was in the house, listening out to see if she's going to need me. She often called out for me and each time she did it scared me. I don't think my body has been able to rest since losing her, my body doesn't know I don't need to be so uptight like that any more. I'm still trying to deal with having flashes and floaters in my eyes from the stress that caused me to develop it. I openly admit I cry a lot and it's because I have these physical symptoms from grieving for her. I can't run from my own body, I have to learn to live with it all. The day my Mum died, I died too... however I really am trying to do my best to make myself feel alive again, and to keep Mums spirit alive in me as well.

 

The bad days I get now however are nothing in comparison to what I used to have when caring for Mum. It wasn’t my bad day though, it would be a very sick and tired kind of bad day for her. Whatever Mum felt, we felt too. There were so many days she would spend throwing up in the bathroom, but near the end she wouldn’t be able to make it up the stairs as they were really steep and unsafe for her. There were a few times she fell down them actually. It’s safe to say she certainly kept me on my toes, (you’re allowed to laugh at that). We would always joke about it, even though she could have really hurt herself. There were many times I’d have to run to the kitchen to grab the washing up bowl for her to be sick in. Some days it would be the bowl, and other days it would be kitchen roll for a nose bleed she’d randomly start having. Even though Mum went through a lot of bad days because of her illness, she never let it get to her too much. She would carry on fighting throughout the day, and I think that’s what helps me continue to get on with my life (as hard as I may be finding it). There was a point in time where I was worried to come home and find Mum had taken her life because of how much stress she was in. A few times I came back in the early hours and found her crying whilst being intoxicated with alcohol. It was scary for me because I knew how much pain she was in both physically and mentally, I'm just thankful she was strong enough to overcome any bad thoughts she may have had. I look back at it all and I do think my Mum was depressed from how her life had treated her, but I know she was incredibly grateful to have my sister and I in her life and I think we are what kept her going.

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When I am in the company of someone who is related to Mum or knew of her it brings me comfort because I know I can then talk about her openly when I want, but it’s my sister who makes me feel like I’m back home again. Home was where our Mum was. Where our dog was. Where we were a FAMILY, and I wouldn’t have changed my family for absolutely anything. But now my family has split as Mum was taken from us and my dog lives somewhere else. I would do anything to go back to my old life with them all. There are so many bad memories inside of those four walls, but it turned us all into who we are today and I’m somewhat grateful. What I am not grateful for is that we went through so much for fifteen years for it to end so suddenly. It feels like we went through so much fighting, for cancer to still be the winner at the end. This is what I am finding hard to understand, that all of those years of struggle we went through is now over. And instead of having Mum here by my side, I now have to live the next 60 years or so without her. I personally couldn’t think of anything worse. I fight this feeling of not wanting to be around any more every single day, whether I’m having a bad day or not. I have to be raw and honest otherwise there’s no point in writing about everything and trying to help others. I just want the end the life that I am living, my life as I now know it, not necessarily my physical life. I will do everything it takes to remove the pain, and live without the weight of my Mums death on my shoulders.

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I have asked people on my social media to send me some questions that I can answer on this blog , questions that may help them or other people. I wanted people to literally ask anything they would like to see me answer with what I have experienced/know.

 

How do you deal with the regret of not saying something before losing someone? - The last two days I had with Mum in Southmead hospital were the worst two days of my life. She was full of medication which made the hallucinations act up so she was focusing on that quite a lot, she definitely wasn’t herself. On the Friday the doctor took us into the corridor to talk. She was telling us how there wasn’t anything else they could do to help her. Whilst all of this was being said I was looking at my Mum, and she was looking back at me. I can remember this moment so vividly. She was sat up with her legs crossed on the bed, twiddling her fingers and looking at me, right into my eyes. I know she knew what was happening, I know she knew what was being said. I’m crying whilst typing this because that was one of the most painful things I have had to do, be told my Mum hasn’t got a chance whilst making eye contact with her. I cannot tell that part without feeling sick to my stomach each and every time. Every day since I have thought about that moment, how we had to go back into her room and sit next to her like nothing happened. Due to her really not being herself we couldn’t talk to her seriously about her future, or our future with the possibility of her not being in it. That’s my main regret not just doing it anyway, but the thought of scaring her even more was what stopped us. I think you don’t ever deal with the regret, maybe some people are able to do so more as there’s nothing you can do after having lost that person but for me I find that hard to overcome just yet. If there’s something on your mind that you want to tell someone, and it’s safe to say it - SAY IT. Try not to let anything go unsaid. If it’s too late, you really do have to accept it and not beat yourself up about it which is easier said than done but it’s just one of those things we have to go through in this life. Unfortunately we can’t go back in time, as much as I’m sure we would all love to for different reasons. Both my sister and I have a lot of regrets for not having said certain things or done certain things before losing Mum, but we speak to each other about these regrets and to be honest it helps us. Be open about your regrets. It plays on my mind quite a lot that I couldn’t have spoken to Mum on a more serious level about everything, and let her know how proud of her I was and how much I loved her. I wouldn’t say I deal with it, I’d say I’ve learned to live with it.

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Recommendations on how to deal with something that hasn’t happened yet? – Mum had cancer on and off for fifteen years. There were so many times I had to ride in the ambulance with Mum, and there were so many times I said to myself I’m about to lose her. Fortunately, for all of those years and all of those ambulance trips I was able to bring Mum home safe and sound. The last time it happened I wasn’t able to bring her home. Nothing prepares you for something like this to happen. I knew eventually I’d lose her at an early age, we knew she wouldn’t make it to 50 and she knew that deep down too. I thought going through all of that would help me be somewhat ready for that day to come but I can tell you now that nothing I have experienced helped me to be prepared. Death is inevitable, we are all in ‘the line’. My only advice is to not avoid it, because it’s going to happen if not to yourself then to the people around you. Take into account you may never be ready, there aren’t really any ways to deal with what could happen - in my personal opinion. But I think if I ignored the fact my Mum was going to pass away I would be in a worse position today than I already am in. We really cannot be oblivious to the life cycle. We actually live every day, it is that we only die once. So LIVE. I hope this helps people connect with earth a little bit more if nothing else. Find gratitude in life, instead of taking it for granted.

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How did you deal with the fact you would have to grieve? – I don’t necessarily think I ever thought about the grieving journey that I would have to go on after losing Mum. I was so caught up in the moment when she took her last breath, I was trying to hold onto her for as long as I could. I don’t remember crying when I came out of her room, but I do remember looking out of the window. I posted what happened on my social media so that everyone knew heaven had just gained an angel, I wanted everyone to have her in their thoughts that afternoon. My phone started blowing up, but I couldn’t respond. I carried on looking out of the window. I don’t understand to this day why I didn’t go back into the room to see her one last time. It was all just so overwhelming but I think once we got the funeral details complete, and had her celebration of life party that’s when I started thinking about how I would have to grieve. I was the one who signed my Mums death certificate. In that moment that’s when it became somewhat real. This whole grieving experience has been traumatising. I'm surviving, but I still don’t think I’m dealing with the fact I have to grieve. As they say, grief is the final act of love... I am loving very hard right now.

 

What’s the best way people can support you? - The best support is full support. It is so easy for people to say that they’re there for someone, but unless they follow through with the emotional support they say they can offer then it means nothing. I am always so grateful for a text, even more so from people I barely know. I have had incredible amounts of social media support that I will forever be grateful for. But I have lacked in getting support from someone’s actions, instead of just their words. I have lost friends on the way so it has been hard to keep myself busy with people during the day. I’ve learned that you lose bad friends to make space for better ones. And I’ve certainly found some better ones who plan things with me because they want to, not because they feel they have to. If you make a promise to see me, stick to it. Listen when I talk, I don’t need advice all of the time. I need people to take in everything I’m saying and help where it’s needed. Don’t be afraid to ask me about Mum, and especially do not feel awkward around me just because I am bereaved.

 

Is there anything you do to remember your Mum? – There’s a lot my sister and I do to remember Mum, but we don’t necessarily need to do anything to be reminded of her. That being said, I have her picture as my screen saver I think I actually put it as her before she passed away. It’s something small but it makes me think of her every time I go on my phone, as well as having pictures of her around the house. That reminds us of how beautiful she is, but I don’t think I could ever forget anyway. We have all of our old photo albums that she actually made herself so I often look at those too. We visit places we used to go with her, listen to music she listened too, and we talk about her a lot which is the most important thing I think anyone should do when a loved one has passed away. At any opportunity given I will talk about Mum. If someone’s telling me what they’re going to have for tea I often find myself saying ‘oh Mum liked parsnips too’, which is quite embarrassing and unnecessary but little comments like that literally fall off my tongue. Lastly, we have done things on occasions like Mother’s Day, her death anniversary etc. and we will carry on to do so. We will never ignore it, or ignore days that were important to all of us as a family.

 

What are your top three tips on dealing with such a big loss?

1. Losing such an important person in your life is going to take a massive impact on your mind and body. Listen to what your body is telling you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream as loud as you can. If you need to be alone, then go to your room and be your own peace or go to a field and listen to music. Watch the world pass by. Be true to yourself and take care of your body. Do not exceed your limits and allow yourself time to process everything.

2. Set yourself goals which keep you focused on moving forward after the awful loss of a loved one. Nothing big, but short-term goals that are reachable won’t overwhelm you. I’ve set myself goals which are going to help with my self-confidence, as well as setting future goals too – but one step at a time as there is no rush. It is a process, as long as one foot goes in front of the other you are moving forward.

3. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone deals with it differently too. Find ways to keep them alive, honour the memory of a loved one by keeping their possessions and things that remind you of them. It is going to be hard to deal with a big loss, but allow yourself to remember them. At no point should you feel like you have to forget them in order to get on with your life. Take them on your journey with you.

 

How would you advise chasing goals while trying to regain self-confidence? - Having a positive mindset is so important whilst chasing goals and developing confidence in yourself. Visualization will take you far. There is a book called The Secret, I recommend everyone reads it. Speak things into existence, 'believe you deserve it and the universe will serve it'. I lack in a lot of self confidence right now, so it is hard to chase my own goals whilst dealing with that also but my fight is bigger than my fear. We're all capable of getting to where we want to be in life , I personally know I have it in me but I am giving myself time to get stable, to then chase my goals again.

How do you deal with the feeling of being so numb and empty after losing someone? – I have been numb every day since losing Mum. It's still all quite fresh for me so I don't quite have the answer for this question just yet, but our bodies are clever enough to heal themselves. We can heal subconsciously, without forcing it and I think it's a healthier way of dealing with it. Almost a year and a half later I am still numb, I am still empty inside, but I know my body has the strength to retrain itself and make me feel alive again. As I stated before, it really is a process. You have to have faith and trust in yourself.

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What do you think there is after death? Where do you think Mum is? (Questions from my sister) - I used to think there was an afterlife. I believed so strongly in ghosts and spirits, and Mum did too. But I haven't experienced much from the paranormal world that has made me think Mum is around. Danielle and I went to a spiritualist a week after losing Mum. She came through, she was there with us. Just to know she was safe was all we needed. Some people may not believe in spiritualists which is completely fine, however I do. It's hard for me to talk about, but I am glad we had done that. Other than that, I haven't felt her presence at all, haven't smelt her scent, nothing. So this makes me doubt the afterlife, however I sort of believe that I have to be in a better mental state to deal with it. Maybe she's waiting for me to heal more, to make her presence known. Mum always knew what was best for me. My Mum was a complete hippie, so if she had it her way she'd be in some kind of an enchanted forest with all of the fairies. She would have her long hair back too, that's for sure. I don't know where our Mum is, Danielle, but I know she is still loving us so deeply from wherever she is at peace now.

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How are YOU? – This question I find hard to answer because it depends on the time and place when being asked this. I have good days, but I have a lot of bad days. ‘Baby steps’ is what I keep saying to myself. It has only been just over a year since I lost Mum, so everything is still so fresh. I know I can be okay though however which is really confusing and I say this to everyone who asks. But thankfully I do still believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, one day I'll be able to say I am doing good confidently.

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This is going to be my last blog for a while, I think this blog proves I am still quite down about quite a lot of things so I am now giving myself time to deal and heal in quiet. This blog has helped me in ways I can't explain, and the support from social media has been immense. It's helped me connect with people in similar situations, and I feel so honoured people have been telling me their stories too.

 

Everyone has a story, and this is mine. I am so grateful to be able to share it with you all and receive the support I have from doing so. Thank you to everyone for being so kind to me. I hope Mums strength has enlightened you on the strength you have inside yourself too.